Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Causes of Conflict [2]

My beloved Sister,

Let's move on to the other causes of conflict in marriage. In my previous posts, I have listed the 3 main causes of conflict as:-

  1. The Unassuming Factors
  2. Money
  3. Sex

Today we will look at Money.

Several studies [1], [2], and [3] have shown that Money is a big source of conflict in marriage. It is either not enough or it is too much, or it is not managed wisely, or one person is hoarding it. As you prepare for your King, I would like you to be aware of this issue and suggest ways you can prevent or be prepared for it.

  1. Evaluate how you manage your money now: - Take a good look at how you currently manage money whether little or much. Are you always broke? Do you lend to people who do not pay back? Are you always borrowing or do you spend money on things that you cannot account for? If your answer is yes to any of the above questions, then it means you need to take some time to develop ways of managing your money.
  2. Work with a budget: - When a man sees a woman who knows how to manage money, he is not afraid to give all of his to her. That is how I want your King to trust you. Use this period to prepare monthly budgets at evaluate yourself at the end of the month to see how you are doing. A budget does not mean you do not spend money. It is one means of tracking what you spend money on. Over time, you will see what areas take your money and you will also see areas where you need to cut costs.
  3. Savings: - whether you work or not, you should have your savings. The act of saving little builds in you a culture that will help you save much. Your savings gives you a level of dependence [like you do not have to buy a gift for your king with the money he gave you].

Just to add that before and during marriage, you will need to discuss the plan for finances with your King. This will also help to reduce conflicts due to money.


My Very Best Wishes

Recommended Reading

  1. God's Plans for Your Finances by Dwight Nichols
  2. Double WOW [Women of Worth, Women of Wealth] by Believer



[1] Managing Conflict in Marriage

[2] Money and Marriage: How to Resolve the Conflict With Your Partner

[3] How to Avoid Arguing with Your Spouse Over Money

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Causes of Conflict (1)

My Beloved Sister,

How have you been doing? I hope you've growing strong in your relationship with God and people.

In this post, I would like to focus on the series “Causes of conflict in marriage”. Like I previously mentioned, knowing what they are can help you identify them if they come up, or prevent them from occurring.

Several studies have been done on this but in my opinion, I would categorize them as
1. The Unassuming Factors
2. Money
3. Sex

I have not ranked them in any order because I have not done a survey on this. Today I will start with The Unassuming Factors.

The Unassuming Factors (called external factors in my previous post) are those factors that cause conflict but cannot easily be traced tangibly. For this reason, they cause disagreements and conflict that tend to be overlooked. When this happens, the people involved in the relationship allow the resulting disagreement to build up and it then affects the relationship. By the time you see a couple disagreeing over sex or money, if you check deep down, there are other minute causes of conflicts.

Let us take a scenario. Miss A and Mr B are on a road trip. Miss A asks for a drink of water off the road. Mr B replies sternly, “No!” Miss A is angry at the manner of response and is annoyed that she did not get what she wanted. Mr. B is drowned in his own feelings and does not respond to Miss A’s feelings. For 3 hours, there is silence throughout the journey. The whole night, they only exchanged monosyllable words.

What Mr. B failed to communicate was that sometime in his PAST his mother drank water off the road and had running tummy for 2 days. Miss A was so concerned about how hurt she felt she could not sense that Mr B’s response was not to hurt her but to protect her. She also felt she was the one wronged hence there was no need to raise up the issue, except to ask him to apologize. If such goes on for days, it could begin to affect the other areas of their relationship.

I will list here some of the unassuming factors:
1. Events that have happened in the past and have not been resolved
2. Expectations based on background and things you are used to
3. Inability to relinquish your attachment to family and friends hence expecting the same level of relationship with your family and friends when you marry. Some ladies get annoyed when their husbands do not allow them sleep over at a friend’s place or spend long time with a friend.
4. Attitude. A lady might be giving a man food 3 times a day but with an unloving and disrespectful attitude. This can make the man not appreciate the food.

Can you think of others?

How to handle the unassuming factors
1. Recognize that if they are left untreated, they can lead to bigger issues.
2. Learn to discuss them at an appropriate time and as early as possible. Don’t leave them to linger. Feel free to discuss with the basis for your actions and reactions.
3. Learn to apologize once you know you’ve done something wrong.
4. When you work/live with people, identify those things about yourself that has caused conflict. Try to work on them so that you do not take them with you as you join your king.

My Very Best Wishes

Recommended Reading
1. Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus by John Gray
2. Opposites attract by Tim LaHaye
3. Resolving Conflicts - How to Fight Fair
4. Resolving Conflicts - Understanding Differences
5. Causes of Conflicts

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Wait a minute, Sisters!

My Beloved Sisters,

I cannot believe I have not written in a long while. But without doubt, I always had you in my thoughts. I have done my research on causes of conflict in relationships and marriage. I came up with these 3 things as causes (in no particular order):
1.External factors

In subsequent posts, I will expantiate on them but I am not in a hurry, especially because of how easily we take for granted the "External Factors".

Today, I am saying "Wait a Minute, Sisters!"
Just a few questions:

Will you marry him if you knew
1. He does not clean up his own mess. He will wait for you to do it?
2. He cannot head the family spiritually because he believes women are the spiritual beings?
3. He cannot take care of himself?
4. He cannot manage money and resources, and he feels women are accountants?
5. He will not encourage your dreams?
6. He does not know how to cook and yet does not want an alternative to home-cooked meals?
7. He does not see you as a partner but as a slave?
8. He will not be faithful to you and not regard how you feel about it?
9. He does not really share the same values as you do, though he is currently pretending to?
10. The both of you do not like each other's friends?
11. He will leave you to make the decisions?
12. He lies?

Beloved, I am not giving you a checklist or a guide. I am simply saying 2 things:

1. As you prepare for your king, you need to look beyond the physical and satisfying your current wants. Imagine 3 years with him.
2. For the guys, I am sure you want a "queen" but you have to start preparing for her. She probably has her checklist.

Recommended Reading
1. How To Choose A Life Partner: 165 Questions To Ask by Pastor Bimbo Odukoya
2. Preparing for Marriage God's Way: A Step-By-Step Guide for Marriage Readiness and After-The-Wedding Conflicts by Mack, Wayne A.

My Very Best Wishes...