Causes of Conflict (1)

My Beloved Sister,

How have you been doing? I hope you've growing strong in your relationship with God and people.

In this post, I would like to focus on the series “Causes of conflict in marriage”. Like I previously mentioned, knowing what they are can help you identify them if they come up, or prevent them from occurring.

Several studies have been done on this but in my opinion, I would categorize them as
1. The Unassuming Factors
2. Money
3. Sex

I have not ranked them in any order because I have not done a survey on this. Today I will start with The Unassuming Factors.

The Unassuming Factors (called external factors in my previous post) are those factors that cause conflict but cannot easily be traced tangibly. For this reason, they cause disagreements and conflict that tend to be overlooked. When this happens, the people involved in the relationship allow the resulting disagreement to build up and it then affects the relationship. By the time you see a couple disagreeing over sex or money, if you check deep down, there are other minute causes of conflicts.

Let us take a scenario. Miss A and Mr B are on a road trip. Miss A asks for a drink of water off the road. Mr B replies sternly, “No!” Miss A is angry at the manner of response and is annoyed that she did not get what she wanted. Mr. B is drowned in his own feelings and does not respond to Miss A’s feelings. For 3 hours, there is silence throughout the journey. The whole night, they only exchanged monosyllable words.

What Mr. B failed to communicate was that sometime in his PAST his mother drank water off the road and had running tummy for 2 days. Miss A was so concerned about how hurt she felt she could not sense that Mr B’s response was not to hurt her but to protect her. She also felt she was the one wronged hence there was no need to raise up the issue, except to ask him to apologize. If such goes on for days, it could begin to affect the other areas of their relationship.

I will list here some of the unassuming factors:
1. Events that have happened in the past and have not been resolved
2. Expectations based on background and things you are used to
3. Inability to relinquish your attachment to family and friends hence expecting the same level of relationship with your family and friends when you marry. Some ladies get annoyed when their husbands do not allow them sleep over at a friend’s place or spend long time with a friend.
4. Attitude. A lady might be giving a man food 3 times a day but with an unloving and disrespectful attitude. This can make the man not appreciate the food.

Can you think of others?

How to handle the unassuming factors
1. Recognize that if they are left untreated, they can lead to bigger issues.
2. Learn to discuss them at an appropriate time and as early as possible. Don’t leave them to linger. Feel free to discuss with the basis for your actions and reactions.
3. Learn to apologize once you know you’ve done something wrong.
4. When you work/live with people, identify those things about yourself that has caused conflict. Try to work on them so that you do not take them with you as you join your king.

My Very Best Wishes

Recommended Reading
1. Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus by John Gray
2. Opposites attract by Tim LaHaye
3. Resolving Conflicts - How to Fight Fair
4. Resolving Conflicts - Understanding Differences
5. Causes of Conflicts